What being gay means to me; People's News, March 6, 1979

I'm sitting here trying to write something on what it means to be gay. Hell, I'm no writer either. So, what does i t mean to be gay? It means wondering why this should ever happen to you. To me, it was growing up in Tiny-Town, USA with twenty in my class and being scared shitless someone would find out and make my life unbearable. To me, it meant never knowing anyone else who was gay and thinking I was evil. All I knew of gays were the locker room jokes told by others who were also scared shitless someone would know of their feelings but weren't honest enough to keep their mouth shut. It means being fired from jobs because the boss finds out. It means not getting hired because the boss decides that someone your age must be gay if they're not married, even though you lied when he asked if you were. It means watching boyhood friends fulfill their sexual needs and not even being able to figure out an honest way of fulfilling your own.

To me it has meant walking across the railroad bridge to find it fall away in the middle and a locomotive coming full charge. If you turn and try to flag it down, it's going to smash you to hell. If you jump, it's into an abyss of who knows what. Some have chosen the locomotive. Having never been too fond of being rundown by society's unthinking locomotive, I've chosen the abyss.

I fell for awhile, feeling lost, alone. Then, I found within myself an ability. The ability to walk, to run, to charge with my head held high. I am a man. I have the ability to care and to love. I am no different than those straight friends i thought I had. Only the object and the direction of that love is different. The ability to care and to love can never be evil. I am not evil.

So what does it mean to be gay? It means staying in small clusters of people who feel the same way, who are gay. It means being afraid your college classmates are going to find out and make your life unbearable and ruin your chances for a successful (?) career. It means subscribing to "Better Homes and Closets" sent in a plain brown envelope.

For me it means getting so damn mad I'd just like to start shooting assholes. But my Christian moral background won't let me do that. Instead, I keep coming out of the closet more and more until the Anita Bryant coalition stones me to death with oranges. I look at you my straight liberal Friends and say "thanks for the word service." I look at you my gay closeted friends and say, "Thanks for the boycott. She just saved those few to throw at me."

What does it mean to be gay? To me it means being mad as hell. Mad that I don't have the same rights as my straight liberal friends. It's being mad as hell at a potentially great country which votes away my rights and freedoms. It's being mad as hell at the religious do-gooders who insist I change the way I was created before I can enter "their kingdom." It means being mad as hell at my gay friends who can't even come out far enough to educate their straight friends as to what it means to be human and gay.

What does it mean to be gay? It means that I am a human being who happens to be physically attracted to other human beings of the same gender. I'm worth something. I have something to offer. I am able to feel hurt, pain and love. But, they are trying to push me back into the closet.

In Seattle and Portland when they tried to lock the closet, everyone asked, "Who's next?" If that train can smash my rights to hell, who is next as it plunges toward oblivion? Women have been struggling for awhile. Will they start to rescind some of your gains? What about the gains Black people have made? They're already rescinding ecological gains.

So my straight liberal and gay closeted friends, the turning point for all of us may be at hand. The paranoid, bigoted Bible-quoters are already at their texts justifying their insecurity. If I thought there was some backing on the train, I'd get on board myself. Together maybe we could get the train stopped, backed up and on a saner track before that unthinking machine smashes us all to hell.

D. David Soloman

The People's News was a publication of the progressive community in Indiana County, Pennsylvania. D. David Soloman was the Pen-Name I used during this time in most of my writings and activism. (O.M.)

My First Cigar (written in High School; 1963)

Have you ever heard the old saying "curiosity killed a cat?" Well, some people say that satisfaction brought it back to life again. Speaking as a real cool cat, that wasn't so very cool for awhile, the later saying is positively not true. Here is the story behind this unforgettable experience.

It happened about two years ago when I was visiting with some of my cousins out in the Black Hills. Out there, you are no one until you smoke. I decided to stay away from those charcoal burners. But, just the same, there was that inward desire to find out just what it would be like to light-up, sit-back and inhale. Also, all around me, my cousins were smoking and kept saying, "Ah, come on. Why don't you try one?" However, I managed to stay away from those instant fog machines for a few more days. But, still, there was that inner desire and my cousins.


Finally, I gave in to my curiosity and decided to show those girls that I could do anything they could do and do it better. So I went out and bought the biggest cigar you have ever seen. On the way home one of the girls pulled out a pack of Winston's and said, "Anyone want a smoke?"

I puffed out my chest with pride and said, "No, thank you. I'll smoke my own." And you should have seen the expression that came across those girls' faces when I pulled out my extra long White Owl. That expression was to be equalled only by the expression on my face after I took my first puff of that much too long cigar.

I don't know if it was stupidity or foolish pride. But, I was determined to finish that cigar. Well, I kept on smoking that cigar and you've heard of being on cloud nine? Man, like, where I was there were no clouds, because I was way out and the only cloud that was with me was a strange type of fog that had settled around me.

About that time, my mind went into a tailspin. I put my ailerons down and I went into orbit. At least, that's where I figured I was, because all around me were planets, stars and then, once in awhile, there were red and green lights. Later they told me that the green was my complexion and the red must have been when I started the seat covers on fire.

BATTLE IN THE SCHOOLS (RCJ Feb 23, 2000)

Recent letters accused me of Biblical ignorance and being against the Ten Commandments. I don't argue with the validity of the Commandments. Having studied the Bible and Theology, I take exception to those attempts to divert attention from my point that this attempt to force one particular religion into the schools opens a Pandora's box of unintended, undesirable consequences threatening relgious freedom.

Exodus doesn't number the Commandments. They're in 17 verses. The traditional wording and numerical sequence are different in Jewish, Catholic and Protestant listings. Using one over the other gives preference to one religion. Will other religions be able to display in schools? What? Who decides?

Making schools the battleground for competing religions won't help students. If anyone thinks these displays won't lead to divisive, disruptive proselytizing, I've some land in Palestine I'll sell cheap.

The notion that posting the Commandments will solve anything is naive, absurd, counterproductive and demeans real Christian spirituality. The power isn't in words, outward displays, siege mentality or public rantings. It's in the heart. Letting the light of God's Love flow silently from the heart makes everything else unnecessary and insignificant. Doing otherwise denies the power of the Love.

COMMANDMENTS SHOW DISRESPECT (RCJ Jan. 30, 2000)

Demanding schools display the Ten Commandments (four of which speak to realtions with God) shows disrespect and intolerance toward other faiths and beliefs. Disrespect and intolerance are the root of our problems. This doesn't resolve the problems. It compounds them.

If the Commandments are displayed, will we allow exerpts from Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Church of the Creator, Sun Worshippers, Wiccans, etc. Constitutionally we won't have a choice. Confusing messages?

Morality isn't about rigid adherence to rules and ritual. Christ took us beyond that. Morality's about how we treat and respect each other. Unconditional love, respect and tolerance are the core of Christian spirituality. Those unable to overcome fear, hatred and prejudice resort to ritualistic, legalistic nitpicking and turn Christianity into something hateful, divisive and coercive.

The problem isn't in the schools. When the young hear relgious leaders, parents, civic leaders and other adults(?) spouting hate, inolerance and prejudice, the seeds are sown.

Let the light of unconditonal Christian love shine forth and there'll be no need for coercion. Moraltiy lies in the heart not in external displays. Is simply promoting "Respect Thy Neighbor" too hypocritical for the Religious Riech?

BIBLICAL CREATION IS ALLEGORICAL (RCJ Sept. 17, 1999)

I have questions for advocates of Genesis-based science. Heaven and earth were created on the first day, the sun on the fourth. Doesn't the earth revolve around the sun? Second day came night and day. From where did the light come? How're days measured? Light speed, time distance and astronomy wrong?

Third day came plants. Don't plants live by sunlight? Photogenisis and Botany wrong? The fifth day came animals and birds. The delicate interplay between plants and animals in ecology wrong? If we descended from Adam and Eve, shouldn't we all have the same DNA? Genetics wrong? Creation science? Where's the science?

Genesis was written by scientifically illiterate people attempting to explain God in creation. It's allegory!

Science doesn't deny God in creation. It only helps our understanding of it. Citing the universe's intelligent order as proof of God's existance, then denying that order defending ancient ignorance is absurd.

Creation wasn't performed by an ignorant God. Scientific principles are His principles. Our understanding is evolving and growing. Scientific knowledge needn't threaten faith only arrogance and ignorance. Don't deny the God-given intelligence which seperates humankind from lower life forms attempting to disprove his descendance from them.

AMAZED: THE PENN: Jan 17,1983

(The Penn is the campus newspaper for Indiana University of Pennsylvania in Indiana Pennsylvania where I did my graduate work.)

Letter to the Editor:

I would like to begin by thanking the editors of The Penn for their courage displayed in their editorial on Discrimination of Nov. 29. As a Gay man who spent four years in the Navy during Vietnam and who is now politically public about his homosexuality, I can appreciate the courage it takes to make such a stand. I would like to respond to the letters that appeared on Dec. 6th in reponse to that editorial.

I couldn't help but chuckle over the comment by Mr. Deabenderfer that because of him (I presume his attitude towards homosexuals) "No homosexual is going to part of this man's Marine Corps." Having served in the Hospital Corps, I came into contact with a great many Marines. And, it was not always in the line of duty. There are homosexuals in the Marine Corps as well as everywhere else. The statistics indicate that one out of every ten people are Gay.

Yes, your attitude and that of the military as a whole, Mr. Deabenderfer, does keep some Gay people out of the military, but obviously not all. It is this attitude based upon the emotions of ignorance and misinformation that we are fighting all across the contry. It is this attitude which causes the oppression and the fear that Gay people live under. It causes people to be suspicious and to fear one another and their own emotions.

If I were in a situation in which I had to depend upon another person for my survival, I would much rather have it be a Gay person who has dealt with their emotions and are comfortable with them, than someone who was at war with himself and more frightened of me and their own emotions than the enemy.

Which brings me to Ms. Severino's letter. She has made a great many assumptions which I find to be rather humorous. She seems to think that Gay people will be more interested in sex than staying alive. The absurdity of that opinion astounds me. Gay people have always been part of the military. If you look into the statistics, you will find that sexuality interferes with their duties much less than their heterosexual counterparts.

Since Ms. Severino seems to be in the military, I would like to refer to some military history. Some of the best fighting forces in history (given their level of technology) were the armies of ancient Greece and Rome. Yet these fighting forces which had large armies of Dorian Greeks, reputed to be among the best in history, were almost exclusively homosexual.

Large percentages of the armies of Alexander the Great (himself Gay) were homosexual. It only makes sense that someone is going to fight much harder and be more dedicated to their unit if their lover or lovers are part of it. The stories of heterosexuals fighting to protect their loved ones are abundant. It is no different for homosexuals.

In our present day military and indeed in our society, sexuality has ceased to be an intimate relationship, but has turned into an instrument of power and domination, and given our currrent attitudes toward sexuality, a means of degredation.

Having experienced the military first hand, I've seen how sexuality has been turned into something ugly by the very attitudes expressed in these two letters. The irony of it is that it is then wrapped in a guilty blanket of morality and we are afraid to question the basic assumptons and reach out for the truth.

If you are trully interested in knowing what you are talking about, I would invite you to review the literature. You may be amazed.

In Gay Pride
Michael M. Coats, Director
Center for Lesbian and Gay Studies
Field Associate, Gay Rights National Lobby

NOT CHRISTIAN TO DEMONIZE OTHERS (RCJ August 22, 1999)

Z.S. Costilla's August 2 letter states it's Christian duty to expose sin. While I agree, his interpretation makes me wonder if we read the same Bible. It's Christian duty to expose and root out sin from my own heart. Not to throw stones and pass judgement on my neighbors. I can't see into their hearts.

Are churches conduits for God's Love or simply exploiting sin? Nothing pumps up the self-righteous more or fills the collection plate faster than a good ranting expose or demonization of someone else's percieved trangressions. Although economically and politically profitable, obsessing over the human dark side makes us hateful, judgemental and vindictive and isn't Christian.

God is Love. Love's opposite is hate (sin). Hate begets hate creating a vicious cycle. It's Christian duty to break that cycle by turning the other cheek. Replacing hate with unconditional love, compassion, forgiveness and respect. Have faith in the power of God's Love. Let it flow through your heart.

Finally the Bible does contradict itself. The New Testament contradicts the Old, establishing a New Covenant based on love, forgiveness and respect. If nothing changed, why Jesus? And why call ourselves Christians?